A Writing Journey

(Since I have started this slicing journey, I have been thinking a lot about “my voice” and how it shows up in my writing — or how it shows up in my life. This reflection is a response to the prompt: what would a little light do for that part of you that you have often kept hidden?)

Today, I could witness my voice express itself exactly as it is inside my mind. My voice, which is uniquely mine and not conditioned by the outside world and the expectations I often have to say the right thing in just the right way.

That voice inside my head is scattered and reactive. Thoughts enter at the speed of light and they are harsh. They punish indiscriminately. They have a hard line and when others cross it, my voice is unforgiving. Wearing clothes that just don’t fit right? My voice would call you out on that. Respond to a question with a flippant and unthoughtful answer? My voice would shut you down with a lesson in eloquence and conversation. Fail to acknowledge my feelings or effort in a situation when I went over and above? My voice would tell you that I am angry and resentful of you taking me for granted. Late for a date? My voice would say it’s not acceptable and my body would walk out the door.

My voice is often invisible to the outside world because it is conditioned. It has been conditioned since I was a little girl to say the right thing and do the right thing. Words are so important to me. How they are chosen and crafted together to express myself. It is not something I take lightly. But sometimes I wish I was able to be more authentic with my voice. Unfiltered and unabashedly free to say what I think and not think about what others would think of me or the consequences. My worry is that the consequences would be lost relationships. That my authentic voice, while airing my truth, would hurt others’ feelings. This is the risk I am unwilling to take.

So, I decide to restrain and silence that inner voice, again and again. I am not ungrateful for this. At times, I am very grateful for my cowardness. It keeps me in the good graces of those close to me and those not so close to me, but for whom I seek approval and acceptance. That is truly me in so many ways. Wanting to be accepted by those around me and so keeping that inner voice quiet when I feel pulled to unleash it. 

Is there anyone who hears it? Do I even indulge myself in listening to that voice? Sometimes, when I write, my voice appears. My uniquely “me” voice that is not seeking approval but only an escape. It wants to be unleashed, loudly. But it still doesn’t want anyone else to be listening.

I hope that is okay. That the voice inside my head is reserved for me alone most of the time. And then occasionally, when I have the courage to be myself or when my audience has truly gained my trust, I will let that voice out for a little while to breathe some fresh air.

Today, I could witness my voice express its approval for its own unique duality, acceptance for what it is in raw form and what it is when it is filtered and pristine. I accept my voice and will cherish it always.